Think back to the last trial that you experienced in life. I mean one of those truly difficult, teeth-grinding, heart-burning situations that made you feel trapped, scared, and alone. Did you push those feelings into the back of your mind and simply murmur, “It’s just thoughts”? If you did, you may soon find yourself bursting at the seams with frustration. It can be difficult to admit when you are having a hard time, but even more so if you choose to face it alone and keep it to yourself.

The last time that you told someone about your problem, you may have remarked to yourself on how all anyone ever says is “I’m sorry” or says something that sounds like a greeting card. Maybe, at the time, it is all that can really be said. When you support someone, it is easy to get caught up in the appeal of trying to have all of the right answers. You want to be able to tell your friends how to fix their issues. Or maybe you feel apprehensive about saying anything or acting happy around them out of concern for their wellness – as if by creating your own sunshine, you are casting a longer shadow. But more often than not, what is really needed is that you are just present. Now I do not mean, be in the same room with them, let them talk, then you reply. I mean, actually be there – attentive, welcoming, and non-judging. This is called Holding Space.

Hearing someone ask you to hold space for them can be surprising. You may think that they mean that they want time apart from you at first. Or you may think that the request is peculiar and contradictory as space is just that – space. However, what is really meant in this concept is that you make yourself available to act as a barrier to the outside world, just for a little bit, and let them lower their guard. Acting as a container, you can let them fall apart in front of you and keep them within that safe space.

It may sound very frou frou, but it can be very cathartic for the both of you and is actually quite beautiful when it is performed properly. You can learn more about how to hold space here. Understanding how to properly support your friends and love ones can go a long way, so it may be worthwhile for you to look into what you can do for them.

I wish that I had spent more time learning about how to properly listen earlier in my life. I am guilty of being one of those “I hear you, but am not really hearing you” kind of people. I would sit quietly and take in what they had to say at first, but then quickly override them in a way that I thought would be beneficial to the speaker (trying to squeeze in unsolicited advice for example). I thought that I was helping to ‘solve’ the issue, even though there was really nothing to be done. In truth, I was breaking a cardinal rule when it comes to emotional support. I took away the power.

Know this, it can be uncomfortable to tell people when you are distressed. There is a fear of the stigma that comes along with sharing your mental baggage with people. If done too often, you complain too much. And even then, if you share just the right amount you can be met with a fearful reaction – a deep gasp, a raise of the eyebrows. It is almost like there is a perception that anxiety and depression are contagious – but really I think that the fear lies in the chances that whoever is listening is afraid of finding out something within themselves. It becomes a fear that follows. So when someone is able to sit across from me, listen to a problem, and be supportive without saying anything at all, it is a rare find and all the more valuable.

Mental health conditions have been quickly on the rise as the issues of the Everyman have become dauntingly realized. Bills to pay, relationship problems, and biological condition can all be contributing factors that affect the way you feel and think. To say that you have never experienced any ‘mental illness’ – including depression, anxiety, or grief – is a bold claim. Everyone has problems and everyone has moments of doubt on occasion and it is nothing to scoff at. Perhaps you have a friend in a situation like this, or maybe you yourself feel this way. It is okay.

But here is the thing: holding space, as simple as the concept my seem, it does not come easy or naturally. Holding space for someone, properly, means that you are actively able to hold back your body language. When someone opens up to you, they are exposed. So if you tense up, they will tense up too. But that does not mean that you have to be stone faced or tight lipped. Just be supportive.

A friend from work, whom I did not know as well as I would like to, contacted me out of the blue one day when I was having an especially bad time in life – I was ineffectively trying to support friends that were being divorced, were unemployed, and had declining health.

“Let’s meet at that cafe’ that you mentioned the last time we spoke,” she said. As introverted as I had become, I agreed for some reason. Immediately after work, I left to meet her in an attempt to beat the rush hour traffic. Yet, even still, finding parking in the area was deplorable as street parking was the only means in the area, but I was still able to find a spot and walked the seven blocks.

The day’s heat was unbearable, I was tired, and all I wanted to do was go home and sit in my room until the next day. But as I trudged into the muggy room with the ceiling fans lazily spinning and pushing around the humid air, I spotted a seat near enough to the front of the cafe’ so I could make an expedient retreat if needed. A few minutes passed and she still had not arrived.

“Maybe she isn’t coming,” I thought. I almost got up to leave, but ordered an Arnold Palmer to force myself to wait. Sure enough, just as the waitress brought me the drink, I received a text from my friend apologizing for running late and would be there soon. So I waited. I drew spirals with my fingers in the condensation that had formed on the side of the glass.

When I was about halfway done with the iced tea, she walked in, smiled and embraced me, sat down, and asked “How are you doing today?” It sounded like a standard question that I was asked every day in regular intervals, but something was different this time. She was not asking me a broad, throwaway inquiry, but was asking how I was feeling today. I felt safer than before. I knew that she had asked me to meet her, because she wanted to help, but I genuinely felt it for once. Usually other friends would meet me, listen for a bit, then change the conversation onto themselves. Maybe it was the way that she squared her shoulders and sat up when I got ready to speak. Or maybe it was how she leaned further in when I took a moment to pause to clear my throat. All I know is that she really listened, she waited until I was done with my story, and at the end she did not say “I get it”.

All she replied with was, “You are doing a great job.” At that statement, I came undone. Tears welled in my eyes and emotion overtook me. She continued to speak in a smooth, even tone of voice. “You are placing too much pressure on yourself,” she said. “You are making expectations and goals that, at this point, are not necessarily impractical but are out of your control. Be kinder to yourself and let things go.” The sun shone through the front door and washed over her hair and back as she spoke to me. Her silhouette seemed to almost have an halo-like effect in that golden moment. She then sat quietly and smiled as I took a minute to dry my eyes and compose myself.

I blamed it on the heat.

Take care of your own stuff. You can hold space for someone while someone else is already holding space for you, like my friend did for me. After some time and reflection, I followed her advice and simplified my outlook on life. From there, I was able to rebuild the figurative wall that I had been struggling to hold up under the deluge of emotions. My sense of masculinity will probably never be the same again, but I feel more in touch with my personal feelings and am happier for it.

While I do still experience bouts of grief and doubt, I am growing more confident as I go. The way that my friend supported me and gave me the simplest of instructions allowed me to process in my own time. She made a conscious effort that did not leave me feeling incompetent or weakened. She did not try to impose her own views or opinions on the matter. Rather, she let me fall and made me feel safe during that moment. By giving guidance with thoughtful humility, my vulnerability became a strength. I was allowed to explore my own perceptions of personal inadequacy, while being gently corralled back in as needed. Everyone has different experiences and make different choices while trying to recognize how to be courageous again.

Whether or not she knew what she was doing, my friend held space for me like a pro. I know that she was going through stuff of her own at the time, so I do hope that her support team was able to present the same level of comfort that was shown to me. This post is dedicated to her. If you are reading this, thank you again.