The Return

The muffled whispering and occasional giggle receded as the front door opened and he stepped inside. His mother sat with her legs crossed and was casually seated across from the door in an antique armchair. She grinned as their eyes met and simply said, “What took you so long? We’ve all been waiting.”

Excitedly, our small collective came out from our hiding places and stepped forward to shake his hand and embrace his girlfriend whom he had brought home with him. Elation was just a mere bullet point in the description of that moment. Relief in seeing our friend again was a whole other way one could explain it.

It had been two years since I had last seen Mynor, before he had been called away to Alabama for a job opportunity. I remember how nervous and unsure he was at that time. The distance was over 15,000 miles away – a whole country apart made it intimidating enough, let alone that it would be the first time that he would be moving out of his parents’ house. The fear in his being emanated doubt and an unsteady longing for tomorrow to never come. “What if it is a huge mistake?” and “I don’t want to have to leave everyone behind. I have everything that I need right here,” were the main grievances that I had heard from him. Yet, despite these understandable worries, off he went.

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” – Laozi

Doubt and faith are the two sides to any waking person. The uncertainties of everyday life are offset by the hope that tomorrow will be easier and that the only concern you should have is the next task that lies ahead.

“Confidence,” my father would say, “is the quality that all men should have, no matter their background, and bear proudly like a badge.” Well, he would not have said it as flowery as that, but after a few beers? Who’s to say? Yet, it does not make it any less true. Confidence is the first thing that people will notice about you. Whether it is in a job interview, a first date, or meeting a stranger, it is represented in your being in both a visual and invisible presence. It manifests itself in your gait, your smile, your eyes, and your tone of voice. Some describe it as a “glow”. Still, with as many places as it can be found, it can just as easily be smothered.

When I finally had the chance to sit down with Mynor, the day had grown late and the sun was beginning to set on our Southern California skyline. A few of us were splashing nearby, playing a game in the nearby hot tub – the heating function disabled because of a sweltering heatwave. But Mynor seemed to relish the fact of how much cooler it felt here, where he had grown up. And a few drinks in, he began to tell me about all of the good things that came from moving so far away. He told me why he had grown to call the place, that at one time was once unknown, “home”.

Doubt

Things had gone extraordinarily well for Mynor. There were bouts of homesickness and stress that are not uncommon with moving away, but overall he seemed to have come out on top. From what he revealed to me he had a well paying job, made lots of friends, befriended the town mayor, had a girlfriend, two dogs, and had just began closing on a house with nearly 5 acres of land. Impressive, to say the least. Yet, he admits that it was a struggle to get there.

“I cannot tell you how many decisions that I have made where I hesitated before those last moments as I stepped out the door. My toes on the threshold on my way to work – would my guys respect me? Being so young? Am I going to really be able to make ends meet? Should I go home to California where I know people are waiting for me?” He paused and smirked. “That was then,” he said. “That stuff is small potatoes compared to the victories that come with taking those risks. And the best part is that I earned it, all because I tried.”

At this point one of our friends (Victor) took an adjacent seat and began to listen in. Mynor continued on, “Sure you might fail from time to time, but the important thing is that, no matter what you do, you tread with confidence.”

Tread with confidence. It was sound advice. Sure, you are bound to fail at some points, statistically speaking, but the hesitation in making a decision can upturn everything if it is done with a half-heart, causing imbalance. Having the self-assured feeling that you are, not necessarily doing to right thing, but that you are creating movements that will hopefully create a current that will carry you further into life is the healthy way to handle apprehension.  The unfortunate truth of the matter, however, is that life is not always so simple. Some things are out of your control, and you are not sure if you should just be thankful that it did not end worse.

What you should ask yourself is this: “Did this happen to me or did I let it happen to me?”  Try to release any need for blame and take what understanding you can to move on.

Victor then chimed in. He had also just recently purchased a house that turned out to be more work and more expensive than he had originally anticipated. The plumbing was a bust, heating had a long way to go, and the only room with electricity was his bedroom. Yet, he still seemed happy. “There have been so many cases where I have sat down and looked at my house, unfinished, and felt regret,” he said. “I wanted to cut my losses. But at the same time, I am a homeowner now. How many people can honestly say that at our age? From our generation even? Times are tough, but if you want something like this, it is going to be bad before it gets good.”

“You will want to look back,” Mynor rolled on. “But don’t let the memories control the direction that you think you want to go in.”

You will look back and remember when times were easier and wish that things were like that again. As a result, you will want to complain. Try not to – complaining is a waste of breath and energy that could be better directed to resolving the thing that is causing your grief. One of my favorite quotes from my currently favorite poem by Rudy Francisco is,

“Remember that every year, two-million people die of dehydration. So it doesn’t matter if the glass is half-full or half-empty. There’s water in the cup. Drink that shit and stop complaining.”

On my drives to work, when I am feeling low and like what I am doing is pointless, I often mutter to myself a simple mantra: “One day, you are going to look back and think everything was so hard and laugh at yourself.” My drive seems less droll, the sun seems a bit warmer, and the music on the radio sounds clearer and more true.

Faith

“Tread with confidence,” he said.

The scariest aspect that I recognized recently is that what I was told while growing up, and also what was I told as I got older, are both actually true. I can do anything and also nothing. It is liberating and terrifying. New experiences are what push the perspective to go either way. Success and failure are two sides to the same coin, but the truest contributing factor is embracing the first steps toward any kind of results, no matter how blind it may be.

I think that I have encapsulated so much frustration over the last few years of my life that when it came time for the emotional levee to break, it broke completely. I cannot talk about how afraid I am of the future, and how I thought that I would be somewhere completely different by this point in time, without getting a catch in my voice. And yet, here I am. I was paralyzed with fear and doubt, only making myself angry over the fact that there were no results for whatever I had put out. I was ungrateful. The desire for instant gratification is unfounded. I just have not earned the right to succeed yet. The only way for that to happen is to take more risks. I need to get more comfortable with being uncomfortable, I will learn to rely on myself, I will remember that there is no true end game, and I will take action in life, not let life happen to me.

The old saying goes, “the grass is always greener on the other side.” But I offer a counterpoint. The grass is actually greener where you water it. When things are bad, it highlights the good parts in your life and the chance to act upon that knowledge. For me, I have the chance to leave my employer and seek work elsewhere; in a different industry if I so choose. However, it is difficult to do so all in one breath when I have no idea what I want to do. The practical thing would be to apply for a temp agency that will let me try an array of different things and opportunities. It is scary, I have heard bad things, and it can go either way. Yet, it is a chance that presents itself. Will I act on it?

I am not the most pious of people, but I will admit that I have prayed for help like so many people do. But I also have the perspective that you don’t gain strength from God, the universe, or whatever you believe in. Rather, you are provided opportunities to BE STRONG. You are given the possibility to BE WISE.

So, dear reader, the next time that you are hesitating to make the jump to a new job, move homes, or change your life, this is your chance to BE BRAVE.

Be brave. Take back your courage. Reclaim your confidence.

Onward.