As I laid sprawled out in the sunlight of our backyard, a cool breeze cut through the sea of green that had grown well past knee height. Luna (our gray Tabby) wandered idly among the leaves of grass, prowling across an imaginary savannah, while Sheira (my roommate’s Siberian Husky) lazed on the corner of the peeling wooden deck – her eyes half-closed and ears occasionally twitching whenever a jogger ran by. A smile crept across my face, almost unnoticed, as I realized that the blanket of anxiety had been replaced with bliss, if only for a moment.

It was a moment of relief as we entered the sixth week of quarantine. While my roommates had been passing their time by playing video games and doing more practical activities, I had been pondering when it would feel like ‘purpose’ had become ‘reason’ – or the other way around. Every day had become a little tougher to persist. Even while trying to start out with a sunny disposition, my little cloud had decided that it was not ready to go anywhere quite yet.

Despite the surprising upturn after quitting my job and starting as a technical writer in one volatile bout, it became increasingly easier to reason with myself to avoid taking responsibility for my own misery and to dismiss my own well-being. Each morning was met with the constant question of “what’s the point?”. What was the reason for trying to do, well, anything? It felt like life was playing in reverse. I could not answer the simple questions of what my passions or dreams were. I had begun to question who I was – an important and treacherous step for anyone facing an existential cataclysm. The mental noise was deafening.

Regretfully, as a result, I had cut ties and burned bridges (as one often does when struggling), and I was unsure of where to find absolution. Chasing happiness, while a noble pursuit in itself, served little purpose other than perpetuating my own dissatisfaction. And yet, Dear Reader, still things continued to improve. Not all at once, mind you, but gradually.

It is a flight of childhood fantasy to believe that we are each born to become moguls, recognized artists, or valiant heroes in a “go big or go home” world. Truth be told, as glorious as that all sounds, it creates a substantial amount of unpleasantness and an almost unattainable set of goals. I was raised on stories that made me want to aspire for greatness in whatever form came forth, but in reality there is no ‘right’ way to live. Life is not an exchange of goods and services in return for a coveted destiny.

Only after I openly admitted to myself (and to my therapist) that I’m not special that I began to notice marked improvement in myself. Before, I had set myself up for a continuous chase for completion – like a social media feed with no bottom. Everything had to be perfect, because I was supposed to be special. Too bad that “perfection” is the enemy of the done; and I was done.

It felt alien to not have a plan set out before me and to be openly content with just being where I was. But something must have been going right, because I started cracking jokes again and regained an appetite for life. So we’re just going to run with it and see what happens.

There are still good days and bad days, but at least I can now recognize that most of the ‘bad’ ones are self-made. In the quiet, serene moments, memories of happy times slip in. I’ve been spoiled in life, so it was easy to just cruise along. Only now it is time that I breathe life into it myself.

I still don’t know who I am. Not really. Rather, I’m still learning.

We pick up parts of ourselves as we go. I never would have imagined that I would no longer want to be police officer or something more notable. It was only recently that I realized that I’m the kind of person that moves snails so they don’t get stepped on. Or that the short, most pleasant part of my day is watching the sparrows land on dandelion stalks to eat the seeds in the morning. If anything, all I really want is to be seen. I want to be a part of the world and to feel ready to live life. So, Dear Reader, why bother? That’s up to you.

Finding Ikigai can be as simple as enjoying a cup of coffee. It can be found in the waking moments when you feel most at peace or are in your element. You should not need to seek it out, because Ikigai can change if you want it to. You do not have to do anything. You can attribute value wherever you see fit. If anything, start small.

Romance? That’s a wide swing. I saw romance as a reward for living life, but was trapped in a prison of my own making. Who would want to date a sadboi, a self-defeatist, and a pitiful example of a man? Romance is too complicated and makes it too easy for people to lose themselves in each other. In my opinion, coupling should not require sacrificing the things that make you who you are… unless you don’t tip or don’t push your shopping cart back. You need to change a little if that’s the case.

Career? Lifestyle? Those are both large things that are developed over time. It is extremely rare for people to fall into jobs that they live to go to every day. One day it may happen for some of us, but that will likely take a while. So why wait around when you can live your life now?

Start small. Every morning when I wake up, I take a moment to stretch, then verbally state what my Ikigai for the day is. Recently it’s been “stand up straight”. My daily purpose is to consider my posture. It helps to keep me grounded, conscious of my body, and to stay present. I start my day out by walking tall. Most importantly, it is still forward movement in the pursuit of self-improvement, but it is something so simple that it may soon become second nature.

It is easy to feel lost and hopeless in a world that constantly bombards you with negativity. I believe that the world is filled with people that have good intentions, but have forgotten how to talk with each other – and even more so, how to listen. As cliché as it is, it really is beneficial to slow down from time to time. Enjoy where you are and what you have. ‘Fixation’ is a real problem when dealing with emotional or mental issues. Not to mention that “toxic positivity” is actually a thing. It helps to unplug for a bit and admire the details of the world that you’ve missed for so long.

Everyone wants to be free, to be loved, and to feel empowered, but it takes time. Even the finest vineyards in Italy must wait out the bad years of hard weather and misfortune for the fruitful and good ones. Otherwise, the wine is bitter and lackluster. Take your time. You get to choose why you get up and bother. Whether if it’s to kiss your significant other good morning, working your job so that you can live freely for the weekends, or just sitting in the sun, you get to choose what the point is. And if today isn’t your day, there is still tomorrow to do slightly more. You’ve got this.

Start small and walk tall. The only way is through.

Onward.