Wait! The track below is kind of loud, so mind your volume setting. I’ve been adding a song every other day or so, based on how things are going. You can follow on my musical journey if you would like to 🙂

Hello again, Reader.

It’s been a while. Almost a whole year, in fact. Life for me has simplified a considerable amount since the last time I wrote you.

At some point it became apparent that for all of my research, neuroplasticity, and personal therapy was not enough for me. It was just one of those moments where a momentary clarity took hold and I decided that there must be something interfering biologically with my efforts. It turns out that I’ve been operating with high-functioning depression (for probably my whole life), which has been the proverbial “wrench in the clockwork”. Nailed it.

So, long story short, I took it upon myself to get medication and got pretty lucky on the first try. Which is… unheard of among the stories that I was told by friends that had tried and turned away antidepressants. After finally just doing it, I found that I had been apprehensive more from misguided connotations associated with medication than anything else. After a brief adjustment period, things evened out rather quickly. Perhaps that’s why I stopped writing. Not because I feel any less creative, but because the semblance of order that I get from the written word is finally tangible in my mind. Maybe? I did used to be one of those artists that believed that you had to have a lifelong trial, a chemical addiction, or something fundamentally wrong with you to create meaningful work. Of course, that isn’t true at all, but that might be something to touch on at a later time. I digress.

With the added abilities granted to me by my once-a-day “abcdefu, life” tablet, I delve once again into the often naïve mind of a nearly thirty year old. Thirty. What a number.

I’ve traditionally sneered at celebrating my own birthdays because, unlike celebrating the birthday of someone else, I felt frivolity in it and was worried about creating unnecessary work. We as humans like to make a big deal about milestone birthdays – as if age determines personality. From what I’ve seen over the last year, I’ve unsubscribed from that idea entirely. But one of the last things that my therapist said has stuck with me. “Celebrate yourself,” she told me.

It was my birthday week at the time. It may have been because of the emotional vulnerability that I was in following a session, but I took her advice and did just that. My roommates made a rather fluffy lemon cake and I made them sing to me. Well, I asked them if they would sing to me. They did, we hugged, we had cake, I cried a little. It was great. Peak pandemic moment for sure.

For me, at least in this moment, I still look at my upcoming milestone with some dismay. It’s become less of a marker on my personal timeline and more of a reminder that the limited resource of time could be better spent than I have used it. At the forefront of my mind are my aging parents. Since I last wrote here, I’ve also moved back in with them (I’ll get into that later). My father, soon to be 69 (nice) years of age, is still an active person and surprisingly spry. But, like myself, he values the integrity of his mind more than his physical body. As it is normal, there have been signs of aging, so I feel some self-created pressure to use this opportunity to make memories and learn whatever he’s willing to shake loose.

As for my mother, whose birthday has already come and gone, is finally FINALLY facing down her own retirement. I’m proud of her for it. I think that it’s taken this long because her life for the last few decades have been working a day job and taking care of my dad. There was not much time made to question what she wanted for herself. I feel quite a bit of guilt in that regard. She was not given nearly the amount of appreciation or recognition by me that she deserved when I was growing up. So, here now as she enters this next stage in her life, I want to help her figure out what she wants. We’ve sat down and talked about places she wants to visit, hobbies she may want to try, hopes for her future, etc. We’re working on it.

I could go on with what I’ve learned and experienced, insights, or just more aimless rambling, but I won’t. At least not in this entry. More good things are to follow, Dear Reader.

I’ll be in touch. Onward.