Hello, Dear Reader.

Just your friendly, neighborhood vibe fairy checking-in. For someone like me, whose factory default setting is frustration and often anger, it’s important to check in with yourself and take inventory just as much as it is to check in with your friends and loved ones. For people that immediately go to anger first whenever hurt or a sleight occurs, it can become a point of shame and contention, making resolving that feeling (and sometimes the consequences) all the more awkward.

I am often embarrassed and worry about my anger getting the better of me. In my younger years, I lived on a hair-trigger and it became second nature to watch out for things that I considered to be sleights or “a disrespectful act”, which often led to erroneous evaluations of situations, and I became quite a prickly person from it. Despite my desire to be adored and accepted, the aloofness that comes from constantly monitoring myself gets in the way.

In many ways, aggression is encouraged in everyday life. For example, anger and aggression is unfortunately a normalized male trait and is often mistaken for being part of the “competitive spirit” or being “overly impassioned”. But because of this, when men feel emasculated or insecure, we will often act out in some of the worst ways to prove the contrary. In truth, anger is a natural reaction which we all experience and it can be harnessed in constructive ways, such as being a driving factor to reach that gym goal or to bust your butt at work to earn that raise. However, it can be galvanizing and isolating as well. It is all about how you use it that makes the difference. For me, I used anger so often to where it became a crutch in achieving my goals and feeling like a badass. But in the end, it only served to embolden my sense of guilt and fed into the fear of scaring others off if I were to admit the truth about what boils beneath the surface. Anger unchecked can be very lonely. It can be a path of wrath and power, but the cost is usually higher than what is necessary.

One of my, now, closest friends was actually someone that I had wronged in my adolescence in such a way. Flag football wasn’t a teambuilding sport in middle school for me. Rather, it was a chance to be dominant on a field of slower, gentler people. And being a nerdy, 4’5″ child of color with a bad haircut and a primarily effeminate name, it was a chance to intimidate peers into acknowledging me, rather than garnering respect. To be honest, I still apologize to him for pushing him back to the ground, rather than helping him up after making a touchdown. God. I hate that I’m sharing this, but here we are. The truth comes out. Thinking about just how many amazing bonds I could have been enjoying for all of these past years if I had taken a different approach is still a source of pain.

Growing up, my father was a deeply angry person, and on some level he probably still has the embers of that past self inside of him. My friends and I dubbed him with the nickname of “the Admiral” – not just because he commanded respect, but also because we honestly feared him. I would often witness him pulling at his hair while poring over bills, shouting in exasperating outbursts, or walking out in a huff when his points weren’t getting across. Things were thrown and hurtful words said. And because of that, I inherited the trait as well and believed “that’s just how men in our family are”. But no. That is not true. We are a beautiful and gentle family that want to share our compassion and love with others, because of how fortunate our lives really are. We want to share our fortune and luck with those around us.

My father has come a long way from that (as have I) over the course of many years. It was only after his own mother and father had both passed under very complicated circumstances that I noticed a shift in how he saw and approached the world. It is often the thing that breaks us that becomes the thing that makes us. Death and mortality changes people, but not always for the better. It becomes the individual’s responsibility – not your spouse, friend or family’s responsibility to truly know thyself. Do you know what makes you tick? Are you onboard with how you react in unexpected situations? Do you want to become a person that lives by example?

**NOTE: A note on pronouns. I may use the male (he/him/his) pronoun for simplicity’s sake and because this is a personal account. But please feel free to substitute it with however you prefer to identify to make this more accessible for you.

I will be direct – intrusive thoughts are natural. Anger and the desire to resolve disagreements with violence is natural. Schadenfreude is natural. In fact, it is arguably evolutionary. This is because when you forget to look beyond yourself and the limited horizons of what directly affects you, it becomes a zero-sum situation (i.e. limited chances and resources for yourself if others have it). Human survival and modern society stems from conflict and war. Cultures are built up from the expectation of battle and preparation for immediate retaliation when perceived threats arise. We humans are creatures of combat, whether it is acknowledged or not. But we don’t have to live our lives as shieldmaidens and berserkers to change the world. We can all follow the path of a gentle fist. We can all communicate our worries and accept the help of others, all while still being strong.

Every day, I have to practice the mantra of “there is no fight”, often whispered under my breath. I need to take moments to shake out the tension in my limbs and mimic a smile in the reflection of a nearby mirror or shadowy window. I need to find strength where there is none. But that is what truly separates the strong from others – it is where the truth lies and it does get easier with practice.

I used to think that embracing the anger would bring me power and make me feel more capable. And in a way, it did. It made a difference in how people looked at me, but I also knew that those looks were not the kind that I wanted at all. They were mixed with fear, disgust, and wariness of folk that were being pushed into boxes all to offer me a sense of control. Talk about being cagey. But I am a champion of seeking freedom in all of its forms (typical Aquarius, I know) and becoming a jailor was a far cry from becoming the advocate of peace that I always wanted to be.

For me, “Anger is driven by expectations.” I’ve touched on it in previous posts, but expectation violation theory plays a common role when running a vibe check on yourself. Consider, what is your mindset when you enter a situation? Are you hinging your satisfaction on a specific result? Do you believe that a situation is unsalvageable if it doesn’t go according to plan? Are you expecting a fight? Will you truly be okay if things don’t work out?

It is easier to culture fear, rather than to work toward being respected or loved. But using anger as a tool for personal empowerment is like playing with fire with your bare hands – you get burned the most, all while setting the world ablaze. Think of all the bullies, minimizers, critics, and just straight-up abusers that would harness their own personal hurt to inflict it upon others. Misery loves company, and all that.

So what are some solutions? Breathing techniques and cognitive therapy techniques can be helpful to break downward spirals or to regain momentary footing. But the core reason for your anger (or however you want to dress it) is still there. Unless you figure out what triggers these responses, you’re going to be taken for a ride every time.

When recognizing that you are taking things out of context or are attributing personal value to external situations, ask yourself, “Why do you even care?” People will mettle and get involved in situations that have nothing to do with them at all. Because of what? Principle? Do the products that others buy or the lifestyle that they choose directly affect if you get to eat tomorrow? Probably not. Maybe that is the case for some, Dear Reader, but is that a good reason to bring a gun (figuratively) to a dinner party?

There is no fight.

Another useful thing to practice is to recognize your cues. Not the kind that marks down where to stand and when to speak, but recognizing what non-verbal cues you are sending as well as what you are receiving. It becomes a cycle. For example, if you are giving a presentation at work and you notice that there are others deeply frowning or seem to be losing interest in what you have to say, how do you react? Do you continue as you are? Passivity won’t change anything. When you don’t make decisions for yourself, they will be made for you. Maybe instead of reacting negatively and calling them out or confronting them, take their cue and meet it with your own. Smile, raise your eyebrows, open your body language up to appear more forthcoming. There are countless neuroscience studies that conclude that mimicking body language will actually make you feel that way. Leaning in just three inches forward will engage your amygdala and make those listening to you feel like you are taking an interest in them. I don’t really plug any specific works when I can help it, but I highly recommend checking out Cues: Master the Secret Language of Charismatic Communication by Vanessa Van Edwards. It’s been lifechanging. I even lent it to a coworker who is presenting at a seminar in Vegas. She’s gonna kill it, I can feel it.

Another practice is to T.H.I.N.K. (truth, helpful, inspiring, necessary, kind). Consider what your responses will communicate beyond the literal diction. Essentially, read below the surface. Practice saying nice things behind peoples’ backs, live your life by example and embody the traits that you want others to see in you, rather than demanding it. Changing the environment around you and recognizing your own part in situations is a superpower that we all can obtain. No creepy, radioactive spiders required.

I should also point out, Dear Reader, that this is not permission to become passive and to lie down when you are confronted with tough situations. Avoiding this emotion in an effort to reach a Zen state is not a path to enlightenment. That just bottles it up until some unfortunate soul happens to shake you up just too much. I still live with anger. It is still my battle buddy when I need to find strength in dire times. My initial reaction to seeing injustices out of my control or a perceived personal sleight can ignite my fight reflex – I feel it physically inside as blood rushes through my limbs, my vision blurs, and I nearly forget myself under specific circumstances. For now, I live with an internal battle within me and all I can do is catch myself and breathe or reason it out. The two wolves continue to dance inside, around a fire of my own making. If caged, they will rip and tear to get out. If set free, they will terrorize those around me – strangers and loved ones alike. It is a constant war. Then again, I was bred for war long before I drew my first breath. Then again, I will be the exception until there is nothing but peace.

May your blessings and luck grow as plentiful as the clovers do, Dear Reader. Onward.